Pounding

  Suddenly, I’m awake. My heart feels like a drum being hit by a toddler. Its erratic beats speed up and slow down. Harder and softer. Somehow it’s both beating too fast and not beating at all. I turn over in bed and close my eyes. Just a little longer, please, I’m not ready yet.

I sleep until my body won’t let me. My head is stuck in a daze, as if the dream I was having was still playing. I could sense it. The drum started beating again, but now it was beating in time. Something almost felt right.

Instinctively, I looked at my phone. There were no messages, I knew there wouldn’t be. The past five months told me that with certainty. There were no more morning kisses, either. The routine I felt secured by had disappeared in the blink of an eye, but something inside of me wouldn’t let that feeling go. I longed for it. Seven years vanished. Everytime I remembered it felt as though there was a mystery I needed to solve. I knew what happened though, and it was all my fault.